Janae and I went on our first "trip" together. A little wedding in a town called Holland, MI. Yeah, I have never heard of it either. It's right up against Lake Michigan, but it's far as shit from one of these airport places. We had to fly into Chicago and drive four hours Northeast to get there. I know, it sounds awesome. Actually, it was a good time. The wedding was lovely and it was great meeting Janae's extended family - way extended family. She has 10 first cousins. Ten! I have three. I like to keep things simple. The crazy thing is, they all knew each other. They lived close for a period of time back in the day. So they all got to know each others' names and faces. It's like a 17-year age span from oldest to youngest. It was a lot to keep track of, but I nailed all the names by the end of the weekend. We were in such close quarters that I learned birth order, which children belonged to whom, and where everybody lived. Yeah, I'm a rock star.
We stayed at this place called the Khardomah Lodge, which seems like a 1920s bed and breakfast. We were responsible for our own food and drink, and the bed was the size of a coffee table. The headboard was at a 45-degree angle before we even got into it. Needless to say every night of sleep was a dice roll. But it stayed in tact for two nights. The biggest problem was the fact that there were three bathrooms for 20 people. You can imagine my horror. How am I going to get proper Dan time?? Somehow I managed, but it was not ideal. I felt really bad for the room across the hall. It's one of those places where you can hear everything. And when I took a shower I felt like Buddy the Elf. It's EXACTLY the same tub and shower.
Despite sub-modern amenities, the place facilitated socializing with those you were with, so it was a lot of fun hanging out and having some drinks at the end of each night.
Now I must get to the meat of this story: the actual travel. I don't know if any of you have ever flown Spirit Airlines - no that's doesn't do it justice - Crush Your Spirit Airlines is more like it - but it is far and away the worst airline in the history of aviation. They claim less hassle! More room! Cheaper rates! I CALL BULLSHIT ON THAT. First, allow me to address the in-flight accommodations. The rows were actually closer together, creating less room for me and my knees. I was sitting in an inverted Indian style position because that was the only way I was comfortable on each four-hour flight. If I wanted to sleep, I had to lean forward and rest my head against the seat in front of me (most people had to do that). The seat pocket in which I can store some items in my pocket had gum fusing it to the seat.
On the flight back to Portland, as I was trying to sleep, the girl in the seat in front of me kept moving it to-and-fro, effectively bashing my skull in and allowing my face to fall forward into the headrest when she straightened up. It was like she was Regan in The Exorcist when the demon takes hold.
Additionally, They don't serve beverages for free. No, you must pay. For water. Get the fuck outta here. Also, the flight attendants seemed totally unprofessional. They were having a lot of personal conversations for the entire back of the plane to overhear. Nothing super sexual or anything, but certainly nothing for public consumption. It felt like the flight staff was either rejected from every other airline and funneled into Crush Your Spirit, or Crush Your Spirit is the training ground for flight attendants and only the very best can graduate to a legitimate operation.
Here is the doozy of all doozies. They claim they are the cheapest, which, at a base price is true. They were about $50 cheaper per flight or something like that. However - and it's a big however - they charge you for every bag and over sized carry-on. Not just some bag fee. A legitimate ass-fucking of a fee. It cost $84 dollars total to haul one suitcase to Michigan and back. Luckily, we were able to fit everything into one suitcase. Since we had been forewarned about the costs of bags we were able to consolidate as much as we could. I didn't even bring a carry-on for fear of additional charges. Seriously, for all the money the airline is making off of over sized bag fees, you would think I could get a goddamn water.
Needless to say, sleeping on each flight was not really viable despite red-eye status. Once we touched down in Chicago, we knew there was no way we could drive for hours to Michigan right then. Thank god her cousins lived in the city so we could nap for a bit before we caravan-ed up to Holland. We drove her cousin's car, which is an old school Grand Prix that made more noise than a jet, and I had to wrestle with the power steering. It was an adventure. It makes me appreciate my newer, basic Camry.
We almost missed our flight back to Portland from Chicago. Sunday was a nice day so we stayed a bit longer on the beach than we should have (Sidenote: Lake Michigan beaches are actually pretty nice! I was pleasantly surprised.). We hit hella traffic heading back to Chicago and it took us about four and a half hours to get back to her cousin's. Then we had to take the L to O'Hare, but of course one of the stations is shut down, so we had to shuttle to the next closest one which added a good 15 minutes. Oh yeah, and I neglected to mention we both thought the flight left at 9:40 but really was leaving at 9:15. We were hauling ass through the airport. It turns out the flight got delayed anyway, so no big deal. But it was a little too close for comfort for a bit. We made it. An hour and a half late, but we made it. No worse for the wear.
Anyway, it was a great weekend, but the worst travel experience of my life. Please read these words carefully, and trust me when I tell you it is worth it to pay $200 more for a plane ticket on any other airline than Crush Your Spirit. Save yourself the trouble, I beg you.
Anyway, the Portland International Beer Festival is next weekend. Prepare yourselves for a write up on that. Summer is winding down, people. Enjoy what's left.
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